Ah, Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year… or is it? While some folks are singing carols and spreading holiday cheer, others might be feeling a bit “bah humbug” about the whole thing. But fear not, my friend, because a solid sense of humor is the key to surviving this festive frenzy.
Whether you’re traveling long distances, wrapping presents until your fingers are sore, enduring endless hours with your quirky relatives, or watching your bank account dwindle faster than Santa’s sleigh, remember that you’re not alone in this merry madness. So, grab a cup of eggnog, cozy up by the fire, and let these funny Christmas quotes be your guiding light through the holiday mayhem. Remember that laughter is the best gift you can give yourself this holiday season. Ho-ho-ho, indeed!
- “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” — Unknown
- “Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.” — Unknown
- “You know what I got for Christmas? Fat.” — Unknown
- “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” — Unknown
- Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde
- “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White
- “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor
- “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard
- “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple
- “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson
- “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
- “Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge
- “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” — Bernard Manning
- “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.” — Author Unknown
- “You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou
- “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” — Melanie White
- “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” — Winston Spear
- “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” — Matt Groening
- “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” — Conan O’Brien
- “A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White
- “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson
- “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe
- “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz
- “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” — Gary Allan
- “It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle
- “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman
- “It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray
- “Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ” ― Bill Watterson
- “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” — Unknown
- “The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan
- “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle
- “It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik
- “I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” — Demetri Martin
- “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright
- “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” — Anonymous
- “My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.” — Dave Barry
- “Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?” — Unknown
- “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine
- “Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.” — Evan Esar
- “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden
- “The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” — Robert Rivers
- “You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers
- “I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him. — Theodore W. Higginsworth
- “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz
- “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry
- “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” — Unknown
- “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” — Unknown
- “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” — Unknown
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